When I was young, when my sisters and girl friends were dreaming about a fancy wedding in white dresses, kind husband with handsome face (funny bit is that it’s after the wedding), cute babies…, I was never a fan of that. To have all these things used to be/now it may sill be the most scary thing for me. I always need to be free mentally and physically, I was like doing it my own way in my whole life, be a freelancer, free singer, built my own startup but still travel as I want.
I didn’t really know myself before, felt bad that I’m so capricious in many ways. In school, I skipped classes that I think I won’t learn, almost failed all the subjects and was kicked out of the school (luckily there was a professor saved me by changing the score, oh it’s a secret shush shush). I even went to Australia for 9 months before graduation just because I wanted to go.
After I finally finished the school, I didn’t find a job like others, I was still doing freelance works that I’ve been doing since the second year in university. And then I started to do my “project” with my partner as a startup, entered a good incubator in Taipei, started my entrepreneur life.
I was never locked. So that never think about settling down and put limit on myself. Every time I attended other people’s wedding, I always thought “My God I would never want to do this”. So phony and normally it fades soon.
Last year, my sister’s wedding changed me a little bit. They had such a lovely, small but warm wedding, nothing too big nothing fancy but everybody was just weeping happily because of being too touched by their love.
For all that, after the wedding I still went back to the normal thoughts that it’s not for me. Maybe I just didn’t believe I’ll meet the one who will want to make me do this. Especially when I know that my sister had to quit her job in Australia and moved to Belgium becoming a housewife, I was thinking it’s not for me.
Oh but do you know how magical it is? When you look at other people’s life, seeing how happy they are, somehow you’ll want to be them for a bit. Yesterday there was a moment, when their baby was born, I see my brother-in-law looking after my sister and the baby, taking care of everything, and my sister was trying so hard to feed the baby on her breast, I so want to have all this, just for 3 days (cuz it’s enough). The picture was too beautiful.
After I went home with my mum (my sister and her husband stayed in the hospital), I told my mum,
“They are so happy! I’m so jealous! He loves her so much, they have everything.”
My mum laughed,
“HA! Did you know your sister just told me that she’s jealous of you, because you’re free, you have an open future. So many men like you, and you can go everywhere you want.”
Hmm that’s true, I love my life and although I’m not satisfied about my love life, but I basically don’t seem to lack anything. There’s no need to whine, oh hang on, I just did.
Anyway, I was just confused a little, happy a little, sad a little, being pathetic a little, loving myself a little, hating myself a little, being self-denial a little, mixture of complicated feelings, good and bad. Feeling full of power but suddenly don’t know where should I go from here; would like to give it a try but have no idea if it’s a right decision. Confused.
(Maybe I should change to title to “Moaning about becoming an aunt”, God, how could I have so many emotion just for being an aunt?)
Anyway, this post somehow went to a way that I didn’t expect. Wanted to write about funny things happened in the hospital, maybe tomorrow. I, Hana, here I announce that my big sister just had a boy with blond hair, black eyes, cute lips, weight 3.4KG, height 49CM. Nothing like an Asian baby. But I’m sure he’ll become a women killer!
There are some photos of them and me, let it be the end of this post. I’ve done the emotion call. Should hit the bed now. If you find it interesting to see my posts and photos, follow me on Twitter (@hanamizuki) /Facebook or subscribe my RSS feed (✿◠‿◠)